‘NEW MINISTRY TO CHECK 
MISCONDUCT OF PUBLIC WORKERS’

TIRED of the embarrassment suffered by the ever under performance of the public service, authorities have established a new ministry aimed at jerking up operations in the civil service.
The new entity would be called the Ministry of Supervision and would be responsible for tackling bottlenecks hindering the good performance of the public service and parastatal companies.
According to a document just obtained, the new ministry would engage a number of door-bouncers to be stationed at all gates leading to government offices and government-owned firms to ensure that workers reporting late are sent back home without pay.
Government work is performed between 08:00 hours to 13:00 hours and from 14:00 hours to 17:00 hours, nothing less and good for those who stay on beyond 17:00 hours.
The door-bouncers to be hired, according to the document which lists their terms of reference, would also ensure that no early arrival of a civil servant is allowed entry into offices except during the stipulated time because many of them have turned office furniture into beds.
For, no employee is expected to report early for work in the midst of the current road traffic congestion in which mini-buses and private cars move bumper-to-bumper at snail’s pace.
The Ministry of Supervision has been established following the recent good performance of some Cabinet ministers responsible for civil servants’ operations and abuse of government furniture, equipment and vehicles.
Instead of sitting in their air-conditioned offices with wall-to-wall Persian carpets which dusted the clumsy shoes and pata patas of visitors from their wards who often asked for talk time, these esteemed Cabinet ministers demoted themselves to gate-bouncer and road traffic officer, respectively.
Government vehicles found wanting were impounded by one of the Cabinet Ministers for not having proper documentation allowing then to be at that place and at that time.
They (ministers) accomplished their respective tasks so well that their efforts did not go unnoticed by their superiors who have decided to form the Ministry of Supervision so that the ministers do not again devalue themselves in importance.
Well, Zambians seem to get used to such things. Once the whole-hog of a Zambian Cabinet Minister is said to have travelled to South Africa to buy new furniture for State House and he did just that!
Never mind about this but news of a government minister relegating oneself to the rank of a purchasing officer made saucy news.
The new ministry would be responsible for maintaining an efficient, disciplined, clean and honest government. It would also educate public servants about their duties and discipline including reporting for work and abuse of government property by virtue of being government workers.
And according to the terms of reference soon to be published both in the print, electronic and social media, the head of the new ministry to be chosen from amongst the members of parliament, would have to be in good standing with the national assembly.
Look, indiscipline originates from the time the Almighty God created the Garden of Eden and created Adam and Eve in it. God then stipulated some laws and rules to ensure orderly conduct by the first couple on this planet earth.
He forbade Adam and Eve from eating a certain juicy fruit from a tree which stood prominently in the garden. But the couple salivated many over the forbidden fruit and eventually ate it.
God meted out stiff punishment on Adam and Eve for disobeying the rules.
“You shall toil and sweat hard to find food, shelter and clothing,” God is said to have told Adam and Eve as He raged with fury.
But did God have to relegate Himself to the level of a watchman and guard the tree bearing the forbidden fruit?
So, these civil servants have to be disciplined somehow. Some of them have the audacity of saying “if I finish working on all these files, what will I do tomorrow?”
Ironically, the person earmarked to become head of the new ministry is just coming out of his 30-day suspension for disruptive behaviour. He had slapped the elder brother right in the face and fell down in the family compound unconscious.
The big sister who happened to pass by sympathised with the slapped sibling lying down on the floor with his face up. She quickly splashed water on his body to revive him and bring him back to life.
The victim regained consciousness but the scuffle between the siblings did not please the father who immediately meted out punishment on the erring son.
“This is a House of honour, decorum and dignity and I am duty bound to ensure that the honour, decorum and dignity of the House are protected and preserved at all times,” the father ruled.
He ordered that the assaulting son be banished from the family compound for 30 days without being given ration.
But no sooner he served his suspension than he demoted himself to a gate-bouncer and turned away family maids and garden boys he caught reporting for work late.
A question is asked by many about how such an insolent man can succeed to correct the wrongs committed by workers at his place of work.
Incidentally, a similar incident took place a couple of years ago when another door-bouncer at Musonko Club in Lusaka caught workers reporting for work late.
“Go back home,” he barked at them, “go and form your own companies where you’ll be doing whatever you wish but I can assure you that your companies would collapse. I’ll not let you enter. I don’t tolerate late coming here.”
Since this incident took place, membership of Musonko Club has more than doubled and sells from its cash bar has trebled.
Enough about that, three boys were in the schoolyard boasting about how great their fathers were.
The first one said: “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, and he gets there before the arrow.”
The second one said: “Ha! You think that`s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet.”
The third one listened to the other two and shook his head. He then said: “You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 15:30 hours and he is home by 16:30 hours.”
Another one, a 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.
“I’ve never been better!” he replied. “I’ve got an 18-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considered this for a moment and said, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. But one day he was in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.”
“So he went into the forest,” the doctor continued, “and suddenly a lion appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the lion and squeezed the handle. The lion dropped dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.”
“That’s impossible! Someone else must have shot that lion,” the man said.
“Exactly,” shouted the doctor.
Let us do something and let God help us transform our civil servants into good officers.

Disclaimer: This article is a spoof and should be treated as such.

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