Dear Donald Trump,
I find it extremely hard to call you “President Trump” because sadly, you neither act like a president nor speak like one. But that bit, I will let the Americans deal with.
I don’t expect you to read this because I suspect that your daily reading quota doesn’t exceed the 140 characters allowed on twitter. I’m hoping, though, that some henchman near you will have you know what I think.
Unlike the Government of Botswana that responded to your latest blurt decisively and immediately, yesterday, my government, the government of Zambia has a new minister of foreign affairs whom I suspect he is still doing handovers, and most likely, completely unaware that his country has been insulted. So, I’ve taken it upon myself to respond – though, to be clear, I do so in my individual capacity as a citizen of a country in Africa.
I’m not writing to persuade you to apologise, withdraw your remarks or change for the better. None of these things are possible in Trumpdom. So, I have only two messages for you, and I will get to them in a minute.
Not surprisingly, two days ago, your undiplomatic mouth, once again, succumbed to the biddings of an unenlightened mind to describe Haiti, El Salvador and African nations as “shithole countries” and preferring immigrants from countries like Norway. Who you prefer is your prerogative. How you express it to us becomes our business. I hope that distinction is simple enough.
I wanted to write you a dazzling list of rebuttals. I wanted to stun you with facts and figures about the beauty, energy, courage and resilience of Africa and its people. I also wanted to help you understand some of our history. For example, since we’re talking about shitholes and the people who dig them and then shit in them for centuries, I wanted to remind you about something called “the trans-Atlantic slave trade”. I wanted to introduce you to the long list of Africans who have won the Nobel Peace Prize, including Nelson Mandela with whom you insidiously claim to have had a “wonderful relationship”. I wanted to list down some of America’s achievements that have directly been made possible by poaching some of Africa’s best of minds. But doing so would pander to your ridiculous instincts. Instead, I have something else to tell you.
First, there are no shithole countries in this world, Mr. Trump. Instead, what we have are shithole issues in every country, including the United States of America. My, country, for example, is busy grappling with one shithole issue (literally), right now, called cholera. Your country, on the other hand is busy grappling with the shithole issue occupying the White House.
Mr Trump, any president who lies publicly to his nation 113 times in 7 months and defends the lies is a shithole president. Any president who idolizes despots like Hitler, Putin, Erdogan and Duterte is a shithole president. Any president who is narcissistic, self-absorbed, and selfish enough to constantly seek glamor and adulation, showing off his riches but is afraid to release his tax is a shithole president. Any president who demeans women as if they were simply objects to play with for personal pleasure is a shithole president. Any president who enjoys insulting women that he doesn’t like, using vulgar and intoxicated language to describing their faces and looks, and never shies away from being rude and abusive to any woman who dares challenge his abrasive and loathsome behavior is a shithole president. A president who always tends towards might rather than right, one who responds to the savage madness of a juvenile delinquent by flaunting a larger nuclear button is a dangerous shithole. Do you hear me, Mr Trump, do you? I can go on and on, but in case you don’t get it, you are that president. A shithole president.
Second, you are a racist. You are the gutter-most uber-cracker. A genetic miracle bringing together the entitled ignorance of a modern billionaire with the owl-killing, witch-burning superstition of a medieval hovel-dweller. Your racism is ancient and obnoxious. It makes me sick. It whispers to me the way Kellyanne Conway whispers to you in that dream you keep having, the one where she’s only 5cm tall and she’s trapped inside a Big Mac and begging you to eat more carefully.
And now that you know what you are, it’s time to own it. Embrace your nature, own your crackerhood, and all the anxiety and complexity will just slip away. No longer will you be forced to use politically correct euphemisms like “shithole countries”: instead, you can just say “no blacks”. No longer will you have to talk about countries like Norway: rather just say “Aryans only”.
Donald, the whole world knows what you are. It’s time you knew it, too. Oh, and just as a by the way, please look carefully at your picture below and tell me which hole you think your mouth resembles most?
Have a shithole weekend.
Proud Citizen of Zambia